The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

As a psychologist and mom of teens, I highly recommend this sensitive and science-based perspective on why empowering our kids to take control of their lives is so vitally important. Through straightforward and easy to understand discussions, along with relatable and humorous anecdotes, the authors take the reader by the hand and show us how easy it can be to help kids face their life, and their challenges, with more courage and drive. One of my favorite passages addresses the familiar dilemma of how and when to let your kids fail, especially when the stakes feel so high. The authors offer grounded words of caution in trying to protect them from themselves, and ultimately doing too much: "The adults supporting these kids have the best intentions. They just want to make sure nothing slips through the cracks. But trying to protect a kid from himself year after year will weaken him... Remember that ultimately his school work is his problem, and that if you work harder to help him than he does, you are doing him no favors." Cultivating a sense of power and autonomy is critical to coping with stress effectively, as well as growing the confidence we need to keep trying when life gets tough. The authors explain the science and distill these broad principles into dozens of concrete strategies we can start adding to our parenting toolbox tonight. This inspiring, yet fiercely practical, book should be a go-to resource for any parent looking to raise stronger, more confident kids.

Autonomy is a basic need for everyone, kids included. It's what helps them grow into confident adults.

This book was filled with great advice, parenting tips, personal tips, examples, and a checklist for implementation. All this was backed up by research, which was thoroughly cited within the text with links in the Kindle version. I have added many books mentioned in this book to my reading wishlist.

Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson picked the perfect subtitle for The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. The book presents data and theory from fields such as neuroscience and psychology in support of the proposition that “you should think of yourself as a consultant to your kids rather than their boss or manager,” and then follows through with loads of practical advice on what, exactly, a more hands-off approach looks like. As a clinical neuropsychologist and a tutoring company founder, respectively, the authors work with both perfectionists and kids who “don’t seem to care about anything.” They’ve found that those at both ends of the motivation spectrum “suffer from a low sense of control” which is “enormously stressful.” The antidote? Giving your young child space to “practice managing and taking nonlethal risks.” Only by experiencing “the natural consequences of their choices, ranging from being uncomfortably cold when they decided not to wear a coat, to getting a bad grade on a test because they decided not to study,” will “her brain build the circuits that are necessary for resilience in the face of stress.” Going the other way, with sticker charts “and other forms of parental monitoring,” the authors say, creates “kids who must then constantly be pushed because their own internal motivation has either not developed or has been eroded by external pressure.” Let kids be bored. “Ask your child if there are things he feels he’d like to be in charge of that he currently isn’t.” Explain the reasons behind a request “and then allow[] as much personal freedom as possible in carrying out the task.” Make sure your child knows “that he is responsible for his own education.” Try to say—and say and say and say—“It’s your call.” But don’t “let go of all restrictions and rules.” Join with your kids in setting parameters “and let them work within them,” knowing that you’re there to offer counsel. It’s good stuff, the writing is tight enough, and the authors offer up a few stellar explanations (e.g., “Today, we think about the long-term consequences of concussions: ‘Yeah, he looks okay now, but too many more of those and he’s not going to remember his kids’ names.’ We think stress should be talked about in this way, too.”), but the text lacks the artistry or narrative element needed to shake that eating-of-the-vegetables vibe. A second flaw lies in statements such as “Girls are generally more interested by—and more consistently motivated to achieve in—school” and “Girls generally have more empathy.” Drawing distinctions without citing solid empirical evidence of their existence, analyzing just how significant any differences are, and nodding to socialization as a possible sole cause simply is not acceptable in light of modern neuroscience and social science research on pre-pubertal gender differences, and the inclusion of these statements makes me doubt the authors’ other assertions. Putting those concerns to the side, Stixrud and Johnson truly offer a wealth of information, albeit with the specifics mostly angled toward older children. The key ingredients for motivation, they say, are (1) the right mindset; (2) a feeling of autonomy, competence, and relatedness; (3) the optimal level of dopamine; and (4) flow. Then they offer “empowering mental strategies” for getting the recipe right, “like planning ahead and visualizing goals … or thinking of what you will do if what you want doesn’t come through.” They suggest teaching kids that replacing “I have to” with “I want to” or “I’m choosing to” increases their odds of success. It also helps to “avoid catastrophizing” by thinking, “This is annoying but it’s not awful,” or “This is a setback but it’s not a disaster.” Tests too are about mindset: “Look to conquer, rather than survive,” they counsel. Focus on strengths. Increasing downtime, meditation, sleep, and movement are all more standard suggestions than my favorite piece of advice, one I’ve already used with my nine-year-old who tends to engage in “negative self-talk.” When she called herself “stupid, stupid, stupid” for misplacing a folder, I used the authors’ words: “Imagine if we were on a softball team together. A routine ground ball is hit right at me, but goes between my legs. What would you say? Probably something like, ‘It’s all right. You’ll get the next one.’” Offer yourself the understanding you'd give your best friend, I told her, getting my money and time’s worth from The Self-Driven Child in that little gem alone.

In The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, Dr. William Stixrud (a neuropsychologist) and Ned Johnson (a test prep specialist) provide the hard science, inspiring anecdotes, and practical how-to’s to get you out of your kid’s way. Children need agency to live fulfilling lives, so don’t be a manager, be a non-anxious consultant. It’s a parenting book at heart, but one that is so relevant to the homeschool journey. This book is a powerhouse that I enthusiastically recommend for homeschoolers, which is ironic since the book is written squarely from within a traditional schooling paradigm—odd since school is the biggest culprit denying most children and teens any meaningful control over their lives. The authors do go so far as to call school a “brain-toxic environment,” but never go so far as to explicitly consider an alternative like self-directed education. Really it’s a testament to how good this book is that it reaches across the educational aisle and applies to homeschooling so perfectly. “‘It’s your call. I have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.'”

read this after reading hunt gather parent, i had younger kids but will definitely implement as they get older. i love the overall message, but the examples were for more teenage kids! Great information about the brain as well as social constructs that impact our parenting!

Worth buying

Genial

Le contenu est bon, d'ailleurs ce bouquin, je l'ai acheté pour l'offrir Je me retrouve avec un bouquin sans couverture et usé. Le prix 23€ ne correspond pas à sa qualité

Must read book for who are raising young kids

So, my relationship with my 11 year was getting strained. The more I pushed, the worse it got. Not doing homework, being late for school, bedroom a complete mess. I was starting to get shouty and frustrated. I was thinking, I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t want to be that parent that oversees everything my child does. I don’t want to manage her. I don’t want her to blame me when things go wrong for her. I want her to take control, steer her own way through life. Sure I want her to know I’m always here for her and will help in anyway I can. This book fixed everything! She thinks I am the best Mum ever and now she is 12…the dreaded pre-teen and she thinks I’m awesome. But I do less, a lot less, I stress less, I worry less, I trust her more, she tidies her room (more than before anyway), she gets her homework done. She gets herself to school on time. She even takes herself to bed when she’s tired. It isn’t what you do, it’s the way you do it. Little changes, rewording things that help them realise their life is theirs, it’s all down to them. Let them make mistakes, it’s ok because they will learn from them. I don’t want to be the boss of my kids, I want them to be their own boss and this magical book takes you through lots of scenarios, explains how the brain works and gives you answers to your parenting tactics along the way! I highly recommend this book and frequently do when mums are explaining problems they have with their kids. Buy it, read it, refer back to it. When things start going wrong again, think back to the book and fix it with all this amazing knowledge!